I just walked out of a restaurant in Chelsea screaming.  I’m pretty sure I flipped over the table as well, but the blinding rage makes my memory a bit fuzzy.  The last thing I remember is two skinny gays lamenting how fat they are for eating a meal today and their big upcoming Fire Island trip where they plan to do nothing but sunbathe and obsess over Adrian who may still be with Sean but has been Facebooking Stephen a lot recently (notice these are males in their 20s/30s, not girls in their teens).

I went into this restaurant for a quick post-gym bite and was seated at a communal table with these guys who did nothing but drain all the hope and life out of me while they chattered on about waistlines, wrinkle creams (they can’t be older than 32!), working out, and boy drama.  Boy drama.  Here’s a little tip, fellas: stop dating boys and start dating men and all that boy drama will probably go away.

While most of these topics are pretty standard for gays in NYC, the breaking point came when they snidely insulted a beefy middle-aged guy who sat at the end of our shared table.  Upon hearing the man’s order of a burger and fries, these two little queens joked about his age and weight in a very distasteful and NOT DISCREET way and I decided I had had enough of their bullshit.  I hulked-out, smashed, clobbered, and went roaring out of the restaurant.  OK, actually I just slapped my menu down and said, “Hey queens, enough already.  You’re being very rude and pathetic.  Grow the fuck up” and then I left fuming (to write this piece).

Later I read this fascinating blog, Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies, and felt like a voice of reason was needed to pierce the shroud of shallow idiocy that’s running rampant in our faggy land.  Or at least I just want to express my frustration and annoyance at how awful human beings can be to each other and themselves…and reaffirm what’s really important in life.

Hot body does not equal hot sex
From my personal research, I’ve found that men with hulking muscles and perfect abs are sometimes super boring and lame in bed.  They spend more time trying to see themselves in the mirror than they do looking aggressively into your eyes and their level of creativity and effort has been stunted due to their privileged lives as beautiful people.  Great sex comes from great human connection and if someone is too caught up in their own outward beauty and fluctuating levels of insecurity to really connect with you, then you’re really just going through the motions until you finish.

Stop comparing yourself to others
This is the one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself.  Assess yourself only in the context of your own life and remember you have your own special set of criteria.  Porn stars and personal trainers/bar tenders are not the scale by which anyone should measure their masculine beauty and worth.  Comparing yourself to your friends and partners can also be detrimental to your feelings of self-worth, so while you can appreciate and lust after all these people, remember to be real and kind when you look back at yourself.

Be healthy and happy
Just because I’m saying you aint got to be He-Man in order to be happy doesn’t mean you can find solace in the bottom of a KFC bucket.  Being a healthy human being who eats well and exercises your wonderful, amazing body will result in feeling good, having energy, and maximizing enjoyment out of life.  Just be realistic about your goals and results.

Get fucking real
Most of us are smart enough to look deep down and realize what’s really important in life.  Stopping to ask this question often is a great way to keep your life flourishing and results in having very little regret and bitterness at the end of it.  Seriously, go ask a really old person what they wish they would have done more in life and I bet he/she won’t say “diet and crunches”.

So there you go crazy faggots, take a deep breath and reflect on yourself and your place in the universe.  Let us be kind to ourselves and to others around us and take heart in the fact that there are more than enough of us floozies around so chances are you’ll never be (sexually) alone.