What are the relationship statuses of my readers? Amuse yourself with the colorful pie chart below to see. These are the results of 85 people reporting their relationship dynamic from May 4, 2011 to May 11, 2011 after the post “It’s Complicated“.
Pretty diverse crowd here with a nice spread. Expect more polls in the future…because data is fun!
Most of us are familiar with the inspirational campaign, “It Gets Better”, that has been created to encourage gay youth to keep on pushing forward and embracing who they are because ONE DAY things will be better for them. The whole idea behind this project is to show awkward, lonely, confused queer kids images of successful, beautiful, self-actualized queers so they have a hope and a dream to strive for. In a culture still lacking in prominent examples of gay role models, this “grassroots” effort suddenly opens up a whole world that oppressed youth might not believe in otherwise.
It’s a fabulous and creative idea. And the super interconnected, open-to-all world of the internet allows us to create this project. I love it. Except for one thing. The fact that “it gets better” implies “you gotta suck it up now”. Bullshit.
What kind of message is that? Suck it up and wait? Sorry, you’re still awkward and undeveloped and our culture is still ignorant and oppressive, so you have to wait until you’re old enough and strong enough to oppose these forces and move to one of a handful of hip urban centers where you can find sanctuary. No thank you. Not good enough.
I think one reason I get a bit riled about all this is because there’s this similar notion of “we just have to wait…and it will come” in the fight for marriage equality. Most people out there believe that eventually, one day, everyone will have the right and privilege to marry who they love. We know the history of justice in America where minority groups can be granted equal status (it’s happen many times before)…so we just have to wait.
But who are we waiting on? For the ignorant homophobes to die off? For the dysfunctional government to get their ducks in a row and realize how homos deserve equal rights too? I think we’re waiting on the wrong people. The idiots and bigots should be left in the parking lot while we hop the bus for Equality Paradise NOW. And who’s gonna be driving that bus. WE ARE. You and me and all those self actualized gays and straights who like to tell the kids that it gets better. What a much more powerful message to give the next generation–WE ARE GREAT! WE ARE EQUAL! WE HAVE THE GOVERNMENT BACKING TO SHOW FOR IT!
Now don’t get me wrong, I totally understand and love that “It Gets Better” provides encouragement to the big world of gays and allows us to interact with each other and support one another. And it also provides a sense of accomplishment and reinforcement to the ones who make the videos and statements about where their lives have come despite the hardships. I just want to make sure we all realize that there is no sense in wasting a single day in the land of unhappy inequality. Instead of “it gets better” how about “we fucking rock!”
We have the power to create whatever kind of world we want. It does take time and energy to build a world where we have peace and equality, but it’s something so attainable and sooner than we think. I’m so thankful for past generations who have brought us this far…and I’m ready to be a part of the next push to finally establish queers as equal members of society. It Is Better…every day we believe in ourselves.
Three is a crowd, or ideal...
I remember when Facebook first made its appearance back when I was in college and users had the option of listing their relationship status as “single”, “dating”, or the catch-all, somewhat enigmatic “it’s complicated”. At the time through my conservative lens, I remember thinking, “what the monkey balls does that phrase even mean? You’re either with someone or you’re not.” Flash forward to today and “it’s complicated” seems like the best way to describe some of my recent relationships. Or is it…
Actually that phrase only works when I feel confined to speak in strictly hetero-normative, traditional relationship terms (a rather mundane way to speak) and put everything into the simple little categories that mainstream society likes to use. Without proper context, trying to tell someone that you have a “Sir” is tricky and without wanting to spiral off into the various dynamics of the relationship, sometimes it’s just easier to say “I’m involved with someone.” Single, dating, married, these are easy to use…the rules and expectations are clear. But how many people out there feel like they exist somewhere else beyond these little categories?
The leather community has a plethora of relationship constructs available for people to use: Daddy, boy, Master, slave, Sir, pup, the addition of thirds and fourths, etc. I once heard some one say he had to use a chart with boxes and lines to clearly explain his relationship status. Over the past year I’ve been observing and pondering these various relationship formations and wondering which ones work and why. Intimacy, sex, love, fun…how do we balance all these and find a stable and healthy way to care for ourselves and each other?
While pondering these notions I’ve also been reading a book called, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, that’s all about humankind’s origins and how for the bulk of human history–about 200,000 years–we lived in communities where sharing everything from food to sexual partners was the norm. It’s only when agriculture began–about 10,000 year ago–and human society starting changing that the notion of “partner ownership” became the expected practice. The book is dense and enlightening and makes a very good case for the support of people having more freedom and flexibility with their relationships…and as a young man exploring I find all this to be rather exciting (especially since I was raised with the whole ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN, FOREVER thing).
As a gay man living in NYC, I feel like I have the freedom to create whatever form of relationship I deem best for me. As of right now, I’m really not sure what that is and thus I continue to observe and explore. What I do know is that honesty, respect, and openness of mind and spirit are key–especially when venturing outside the standard models. Being self-assured is also essential since jealousy and envy are some of the most common forces that tear people apart. I’m grateful for the men in my life who I can learn from…soaking up the experience and wisdom they’ve gained in life.
So in that vein, I’m curious about the relationship status of my readers. Take a look at the poll below and check off what you consider yourself. I included an “other” box where you can type in whatever you don’t see listed (I just went with a limited list). Next week I’ll have a pretty graph showing the results!
NYC pre-gentrification
Once when walking with a friend through the increasingly sketchy streets on the way to the Eagle for his first visit there, my friend glanced around at the rundown buildings and empty lots and remarked, “It’s rather…remote over here.”
Situated a few steps from 11th Ave (bet some of you didn’t even know there was an 11th Ave!) the NYC Eagle is a little bit remote in Manhattan terms. Next door is a straight strip club and across the street is an undeveloped lot. Public Housing is nearby as well as some warehouses. It’s really the perfect setting for a leather bar…out of the main lights and surge of the city where one has to be at least a little bit brave to venture.
But when you stand on the roof deck of the Eagle and gaze north, your eyes are confronted with a massive, modern condo building a few block away. Recently constructed and gradually filling up as noted by the increasing number of lights on in the units, this development stands like a mechanical tower of evil over the dirty and abandoned landscape. It stands out of place and ominous as a sign of things to come.
Years ago, before I ever put on leather, the infamous bars of the Meatpacking District were where gay men lurked and hunted. Back then the area was dangerous and smelled like fish and was a haven for the fetish boys. Today, after the process of gentrification, the Meatpacking is trendy with boutiques, expensive restaurants, and high priced rents. The fish smell is gone and it’s safe, but the edge and character are gone as well.
All over NYC this “cleaning up” process has produced less crime, more parks, and more “family-safe” environments, but it’s also pushed out some of the artists, the weirdos, the rebellious and the deviants. In place of dive bars and dark alleys are now vacuous designer shops and posh eateries where the air of cool that once defined the streets now only serves as a surface-level memory.
And while I love that NYC is a safer, cleaner place, I have to weigh at what costs these improvements have come. As the expanding grasp of gentrification now invades the streets close to the Eagle, I wonder how many years we have left before future local residents run the leathermen out of this last leather outpost in favor of a Whole Foods or multi-storied pet spa. In San Fransisco their Eagle is up for sale with rumors of it turning into a remodeled straight bar (the horror!)…and while I only have a handful of memories of the SF Eagle, all of them are very good and the loss of that place makes me sad.
There’s no question that things around us are changing and as a result we are changing as a community. Gentrification of the urban landscape it only a small element of the overall changes occurring within society that have an impact on us. But these changes will not be the end of the community–at least not the end of the community I have come to call home. The things that I love about Leather are things that cannot be diminished or lost because of shifting time or place or the changing of fads or interests. The bonds of friendship, the openness of experience, and the encouragement to be the best man I can be are things that will thrive whether we’re chilling at the Eagle or in some other space on some other street.
“Whatever happens, we’ll find our place. We’ve done it before,” a brother said to me when I asked him about his thoughts on the future. “When the Lure closed people thought it was the end of the world, but then we moved to the Eagle. The crowds changed some, but those who want to be here are here.”
With the fall of Troy, Aeneas flees the burning city carrying his father and holding the hand of his son--3 generations together that would later found the beginnings of Rome.
We create the space we need…the space does not create us. I love the Eagle and think it has even more potential than some give it credit for…and while we have it as our Leather domain, I will proudly support and celebrate it. Should the day ever come that the bar close its doors, I’ll not despair, but rather flee into the night like Aeneas of Troy, carrying his daddy and boy, to found a new kingdom of kink (high five for the elaborate Classical analogy).
Until that dramatic day, see you at CODE 😉
Last weekend I attended the second annual CHOMP dinner, a leather benefit for NYC’s LGBT Center’s HIV Services. This event organized by Team Eagle, a brave group of kinky folks who do a 3 day, 275 mile ride from Boston to New York to raise funds and awareness for HIV/AIDs, was an elegant night of formal leather and community. The members of Team Eagle worked very hard and put on a great event that included fancy dining, FANTASTIC raffle prizes, and a civilized setting for one to wear his gear. Afterward we were all shuttled to the Eagle where we enjoyed cigars on the roof deck and reflected on the current state of affairs.
Among these topics of discussion was one about guys in gear at the Eagle (or anywhere in the city for that matter). On the night of CHOMP, there were dozens of leathermen assembled at the bar…it’s what one would love to see on a weekly basis. BUT, for any number of reasons, the site of leathermen is something a bit more rare these days…like an endangered species fading from the landscape.
Thursday CODE is when most guys wear their gear to the Eagle. It’s when most leathermen choose to go to the Eagle. Other nights of the week are for other reasons and outfits…but still on these nights you mostly see just jeans and shirtless men.
But as proven by CHOMP and other events out there, the leathermen do still thrive!
“The bars aren’t the place for men in gear so much anymore,” one of the guys said to me. “Nowadays guys prefer to wear their leather to events like MAL.”
“Most of your dedicated leathermen are getting older…they don’t want to spend weekday nights at a bar. They’d rather be relaxing at home,” someone else said.
“You also get a lot of guys who love the gear, love the play, but they don’t want a social group centered around it. Leather is for Recon profiles.”
All interesting points…and makes me wonder if there really is this shift from wearing gear to bars to wearing gear just to events…and behind closed doors. I think guys should wear their gear whenever possible! I wear my tank boots and leather suspenders to work…and the other week I put on my leather pants with a coat and tie for a wedding. It’s fun to play with the identity and I do feel more empowered in my gear.
It’s easy to get caught up in trying to figure out the WHAT and WHY of the continuously evolving community. For today I’m just going to enjoy the NOW and keep wearing my gear see where it takes me. Enjoy the images below from CHOMP courtesy of photographer Pete Philomey.
The other night I was at a bar in the East Village wearing my boots and leather suspenders and a young woman sitting nearby asked, “are you one of those people into leather??”
She had been discussing the recent Black Party with her gay male companion and when she saw my suspenders she was inspired to ask some questions about the leather subculture. Instead of writing out our interesting exchange, I’ve created a little animation to show you. Enjoy friends 🙂
He loves himself...most likely every day...
If there’s one thing we could all benefit from it’s a healthy dose of self-confidence.
I know, some of you big Doms out there are thinking, “Heh, I’ve got all the confidence I need. I’m a handsome stud with muscles and boys at my feet.” But I bet deep down inside there are some little shaky spots in your tough guy act.
Most of the time I’m a pretty secure guy with a confident stride and a charming smile. On a really good day I feel like a fully assembled Voltron with a power sword charged up and ready to go.
But on a bad day, I can crumple up, put my head down and feel like a lost little boy. My insecurities and self-doubts consume me and prevent me from doing the things I want to do. On these days I feel like I don’t meet the expectations of the world and people around me and instead of Voltron, I’m like a sad bleep-bloopy R2-D2. BUT, I’ve come to learn that these feelings of self doubt are a load of crap.
I’ve talked to a lot of men about their feelings of insecurity and have found that most guys deal with some degree of confidence vs. insecurity (especially the big Doms). A gorgeous daddy feels too old, a burly bear feels too hairy, a cutie pie boy feels too skinny. For the most part, these self-doubts that seem so big and halting to the individual can actually appear rather silly and insignificant to others…age is a plus, fur is sexy, being svelte is desirable. And sometimes whatever little item of insecurity an individual feels is a “big deal” really isn’t noticed due to all the other attributes he brings to the table.
We are our own worst enemy…I am my worst enemy. I can do more harm and hold back myself more than anyone else. But fortunately this also means I’m also my great ally and I can empower myself with more fire and passion than anyone else. The number one way to gain more confidence is simply to choose to believe in myself and push myself forward. My worth is determined by ME and once I value myself, others will follow.
What’s that line Rupaul says at the end of her show…”If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?” Yeah, you gotta start with yourself. The validation we sometimes wait to get from others aint never gonna come…so you gotta validate yourself, press start, and GO! And once the glow of manly confidence is surrounding you, others will recognize your strength and that positive energy will continue to multiply. Nights at the Eagle will go from standing aloof and silent against the wall to having to fend off the men with a stick/whip/paddle.
Today is your day. You’re ready, you’re complete. Engage.
Your Unofficial Guide
Recently it has come to my attention that my readership has been expanding to include folks not in the leather scene, straights, and grandmas. These readers are very interested in what goes on in the leather community and have been asking specifically about CODE night at the Eagle. So today’s post is a fun description and guide for a typical CODE night (at least from my perspective)…
Phase 1, First Floor: Entry and arrival –> Arrive early (~10:30pm) so you can get a feel for the bar and not be overwhelmed by any possible crowds. At the door you will most likely be greeted and IDed by big beautiful Pete. He’s a nice guy with shoulders as big as a comic book character’s.
Coat check –> This is where you strip off some-to-most of your street clothes and get to be all in gear (woof!). There’s an area just to the left of coat check where you can take on-and-off boots/pants/coats/shirts/etc. This is a GREAT opportunity to look sexy while you bend over to lace up your boots (make sure your greatest asset is pointed towards potential flirts). The guy working coat check will most likely be Eric who will be holding some sort of medical text book (he’s studying to be a nurse). He’s nice and chatty and keeps your stuff organized while you go play.
Ready to make your appearance –> Breathe in, breathe out. Adjust cockring if necessary. Remember people love confidence and a lot of the folks at the Eagle on a Thursday are friendly and would love to chat with you. Go forth!
Phase 2, Second Floor: Pool table room –> In general, this is probably the sketchiest space at the Eagle due to the various objectives of the men who hang out here. The bathrooms are also located here and you have 2 options: first door on the right is to a smaller bathroom where men mostly just go pee and step back out. The second door on the right is to a larger bathroom and tends to cater to men who want a more communal experience. When you stand in one bathroom you can see through to the other via a fence above the urinals. These urinals are sometimes used as an opportunity to get to know other patrons. If you feel intimidated by anyone, simply turn to them and smile and say hello. Sweet charm is very disarming to a deviant and remember when you’re confident, others will recognize this and know their place.
Follow the CODE
CODE area –> This is what you came for! If you’re in proper gear, the heavy black curtain will be open to you and you can pass into the main part of the second floor. The long bar is usually worked by Greg and Merch, both top notch and handsome men. On Thursdays there are drink specials for folks in gear so take advantage if you’re feeling a little nervous. Opposite the bar you will see the Eagle store where Christophe or Q will be working and helping guys out with their gear needs. Just like in an RPG, this is the handy market to further outfit yourself before the adventure of the night. Christophe is good at adjusting your harness/armbands so you look your best.
Also in this area you will find the DJ booth, Jake the Barber, and Kyle the Bootblack. If you want a manly trim or a boot shine to help augment your appearance, these guys will help you out. Hang out in this area for a little while and cruise who comes in. If someone wearing a shirt walks by, encourage him to take it off…cause honestly the night is more fun sans-shirts.
Phase 3, Roof deck: Chill out –> Probably the most chill location at the Eagle, the roof deck is an ideal spot on a warm evening. This is the place to smoke a cigar (or smell one if that’s you thing) and get to know the folks around you. You can stand off to the side and creepily stare at men, or simply walk up to one and say, “hey, you’re cute/handsome/hot/smell good” and proceed from there. Remember, confidence is sexy.
There are some other spots around the bar, but I’ll let you have the joy of exploring those yourself. For someone who’s has never been, the Eagle can be a bit intimidating (lord knows the stories I heard before my first visit made me feel very anxious about checking the bar out) and that’s why I emphasize confidence (that and I think people would benefit from chilling out a bit and simply believing in themselves…*listens to own advice*).
For more info or to book a guided tour, see me at the Eagle Thursday night.
Peter started Smokin’ Tuesdays at the Eagle
Here is the second installment of my “Interviewing Mr. Eagle” series. Today’s title holder is Peter Schwatrz, Mr Eagle 2008, NY native and partner to Rick Weber. Peter is like an uncle to me and has been a big part of journey in NYC.
The interview takes place in Peter and Rick’s home in the West Village on a windy Friday night. We sit together at the kitchen table while his cat, Phat Girl, walks around us meowing. Peter occasionally meows back.
What are your hanky colors?
(Peter smiles and laughs) Oh it’s like an IML question. Oh…tan for cigars…and of course I suppose light blue and dark blue are favorites. Gray is also a good one…yeah those would be my primary ones.
What is your favorite piece of gear?
I guess it would be my leather pants, because I got those from Rick…they were my first pair of leather pants and in many ways my introduction into the leather community. They weren’t the first piece of leather I owned, but getting them made me really feel like a part of the club.
Why did you decide to run for Mr. Eagle?
Well I had already gone through it with Rick before and I really enjoyed it so it was something I wanted to be a part of again. When I ran I was really okay with either winning or losing, because in some ways I had already been able to experience it with Rick. And then after I won it turned out to be an entirely different experience!
How was it having your title year following after Rick’s year?
We got to share in the experience and that was a strength in many ways, but Rick and I also had to go to some efforts to try and make our years seem distinct from one another. We supported the same charities both years, but we also threw some different events that we were interested in organizing. We were a unit before, during, and after the years, so in some ways it was big shared experience for us.
What are some highlights of your year as Mr. Eagle?
That’s hard to say…there were a lot of really good things…continuing Team Eagle was great and being able to pull it off well was a personal achievement. Meeting everyone along the way was also great…and it’s a very varied tapestry of people that you meet…overall a phenomenal experience. Going to IML was also amazing and seeing the brotherhood out there—and I use the term “brotherhood” loosely to include women as well.
What are your thoughts on the future of the leather community?
There’s always discussion about certainly where it’s been, you get a lot of “it should be this, and it should be that…and this use to be like this” and that’s all fine, but I think sometimes you have to pull yourself out of it. I see a broadening of the definition of Leather and what it actually means to be a much more encompassing kink-inspired thing/event/phenomenon, whatever you want to call it. It’s not just leather, it’s not just uniforms…it’s now sports gear, suits, etc…it’s changing. For better or worse, it’s changing and progress is the way forward. Leather is progressing and broadening, and in some ways reintegrating back into society too. Everyone brings their own flavor to it and it’s becoming a blending of everything.
What advice would you give a young man starting out his adventure in Leather?
It’s about being who you are and as long as that’s not hurting anyone—well, not hurting anyone unwillingly—then be yourself and bring your point of view to the community. Think about what you would want to see, what you think is missing, what would excite you to have in the scene…have a point of view, don’t be afraid to voice it and stand behind it, and talk it up. You might be surprised who else may get excited and want to help you out in bringing your ideas to reality.
If you want to learn more about Peter, you can find him at the Eagle on a Thursday CODE night. This man has a heavy workload but always makes it out for CODE. Woof!
Lenny and Donna stand with Darren Bondy--the new Mr. SF Leather!
A drag queen, a leather cop, and a boy walk together down the sidewalk each with their own unique posture and gait: she is elegant and smooth, he is strong and assured, and the boy struggles with the weight of the bags he’s carrying for them. They enter through the rotating glass door of the hotel and find a lobby buzzing with the activity of leather men and women preparing for the Mr. San Francisco Leather contest. Kisses and hugs are exchanged en route to the ballroom where final preparations are being put into place for the night’s events.
This year’s contest was hosted by Donna Sachet and Lenny Broberg–two of San Francisco’s notable community leaders and longtime friends. Being the lucky boy of Lenny’s, I got a backstage look into the contest and was able to see the proceedings from a more intimate perspective.
The 4 contestants in back with the boys in front
I sit and review the contestants’ info sheets with Sir as he gathers his notes for the evening. I read to him about their tattoos and piercing, their community involvement, and why they want to be Mr. San Francisco Leather. All four contestants have passion and heart for Leather and each one comes at it from a different angle. As I read over their bios I can’t help but ponder what I will write one day for my title application.
I pass through the dressing room of the contestants and see an entire wall lined with boots, pants, shirts, and all kinds of gear. Everything sitting quiet and ready…waiting for the rush and noise of the night. I meet the den-daddy and the boys who will help dress, primp, and calm the four men who have come tonight from different segments of the community to compete for the title. Everyone is so handsome and eager…and despite the fact this is a contest, the men are all gracious and brotherly to each other.
Lenny discusses with Lance Holman--the previous Mr. SF
I help organize Sir’s clothes for the night and observe him and Donna planning their hosting routine. People come in and out of the dressing room asking questions, giving instructions, complaining about some little detail or laughing about some small infraction. As a boy I stand off to the side and quietly observe, soaking up the experience and smiling at the layers of friendship and drama that are so present in the community.
The night begins and I sit out in the audience–now on the other side of things. At intermission I dash upstairs to unlock the dressing room and help both Lenny and Donna change into their second half outfits. I zip up Donna’s red fairy tale ball gown and help tuck in Lenny’s brand new, completely official leather cop uniform. As I’m on my knees lacing up his boots Donna says, “You’re a lucky boy. There are lots of people who like to be where you are right now.” I smile and agree 🙂
The contest finishes, a winner is crowned, and I look around at all the brothers and sisters in their gear. It’s great to see the big turnout and the enthusiasm…and as people start to disperse I hate that there’s not time to see and talk to all the friends (old, new, and those yet to be) who are there.
Good contest, good insights. Good luck Darren!
Find your friends!
Scruff and the City 