Scruff and the City

Swan and Prince

Last night I had the privilege of watching dozens of shirtless young men sweat and jump around on a stage.  No, I wasn’t at a bar full of go-go boys…I went to see Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake–a reinterpretation of the Russian classic that replaces the delicate female swans with fiercer male ones.  The performance was moving and stirred up some emotions that have stuck with me.

I went to the ballet with Sir Ray…a friend and mentor I met at the Eagle who believes in fostering and teaching a younger generation in the community (to take over from the old guys one day).  He had seen the ballet before and wanted to share it with me since it covers some timely themes about gays in society…themes about acceptance, safety to love, and how not having these things can be so damaging.

I’m sure like many of you out there, growing up gay was difficult and not being able to freely express my sexual interest or longing desire for another male really hurt.  My teenage/early twenties were a time of great conflict, confusion, and even self-hatred.  I was living in a world dominated by Christian ideals that forbid me to be myself and as a result I felt like I was drowning in loneliness.

In Bourne’s Swan Lake, the Prince is the boy who feels so alone and estranged from his mother the Queen and the royal lifestyle around him.  He struggles against it…fighting to find purpose and identity….and then in the midst of calling it quits he meets the Swan–a dark and alluring figure who awakens a new energy in the Prince.  Suddenly there is a whole new option for life that the Prince didn’t know he could have.

The story goes on to a tragic clash between the Prince and the Swan when a “Stranger” (aka the Swan in leather pants…hot) shows up to a party and romances the Queen.  After several scenes of agony and conflict, gay-bashing and finally redemption, the Prince and the Swan are reunited.  The final scene is a powerful image of the Prince in two places:

1. dead in this world to the heartbreaking grief of his mother (who has finally expressed affection for her son).
2. held securely in the arms of his Swan…peacefully together at last.

As the curtain closed on this scene I blinked for the first time in a while and I felt a tear in my eye.  All too quickly the lights came up and I was brought back to reality where the image of death/loss combined with life/love lingered with me.  The themes of the ballet resonated with my own personal experiences of identity fulfillment as a gay man and the power of finding acceptance and love.

I have been the Prince in his loneliness and isolation…and I have been in the Prince in his long-sought fulfillment with a lover.  Like so many gay men I have looked into the hopeless abyss and listened to the lies that society tells us; and I have also turned away from that shadow and found a whole new life of acceptance and enjoyment with my queer community.  I’m thankful for where I am today and want to encourage anyone struggling with confusion or loneliness that there is hope and life waiting for them.

My Leather Brothers…the men who make me feel normal and welcomed…are good teachers of acceptance.  Everyone seeks a place of support where they can be themselves without fear of judgment; the Leather Community is definitely that place for me.  And of course there’s also the hot men…that is an added bonus 😉

Dirty Kinky Savage

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, cause there’s a dirty kinky savage up in here.

HALLOWEEN!  I love it!  And this year I combined my Native American heritage with my love of gear.  The result: PAGFI (Post-Apocolyptic Glam Fetish Indian).  The costume genuinely started with a vanilla Native American theme…but when my puppy friend David gave me a pair of rubber shorts, I knew I could make it into something greater.  An old fur coat from a thrift store that served as a top AND bottom (cut off sleeves became part of the boots) with my typical leather accessories and a flashy display of face paint/wig and BAM!  I’m a kinky savage ready to run around the streets of New York going woowoowoo!

I got lots of attention from folks on the street (which I loved) and noticed more women than gay men casually/blatently eyeing my crotch (again, loving it).  Black girls seemed to enjoy my costume the most with a lot of them shouting “work it, girl!” when i walked by.    Most people knew I was a kinky Indian…but I did have one dude from Australia think I was Ke$ha…and another guy ask if I was Cher.

Feel the Passion

Saturday night I ended up at the Eagle for their costume contest (which I hadn’t intended on entering until I got so much support from randoms on the street) and joined up with some of my social crew for the festivities.  There were some pretty awesome costumes there that night and I felt my “shocking” native outfit just blended in with the rest of the bar (seriously, out on the street/in the subway I got looks and gasps…but inside the Eagle I’m just another geared up boy).

Brian Kent, Mr. Eagle 2004, hosted the contest and served up his usual entertaining bitchy banter (I do not want to get on his bad side).  I could tell he was somewhat impressed with my ensamble when I walked across the stage, but unfortunately I did not make the final 5 cut…UNTIL one of the other dudes vanished and Brian looked out into the audience and called me back up.  YES…dismissed, and then chosen again.  And then promptly dismissed one more time when the audience was called on to applaud their favorite costume.  Honestly the Top3 costumes were very impressive and I salute their efforts.

But even though I did not place in the contest, I did make it to the stage.  The very stage I will be standing on NEXT October for the Mr. Eagle 2012 contest…most likely with Brian Kent hosting.

Halloween was a fun night and I loved being a kinky Indian.  The only set back was I felt self conscious about kissing anyone because I didn’t want to smear my face paint all over another guy’s face/neck/upper thigh.  Oh well…guess this week at CODE I’ll wear the rubber briefs sans Indian garb.  WOOWOO!

Leatherboys: Jason, me, Matt

Here’s a sexy pic for all the pervs out there who read my blog.  I hope each and every one of you is a perv…cause that means you’re human and honest.

I love this photo because it captures several cool things about my leather life.  First, these are two of my good friends, Jason and Matt.  I met these guys at the end of the summer at the Eagle and quickly bonded with them over our mutual love of kink and geek.  We like to wear harnesses and collectively we know just about everything from Star Trek to influential Sci Fi authors to D&D and CCGs (if you know what those last 2 are you must also be a supreme geek and thus AWESOME).

Random sidenote: I’ve come to realize that there are a lot of guys in the L.C. who are also into sci fi/geeky stuff.  It’s such a beautiful overlap because I finally have a group of friends who understand, appreciate, and willingly indulge in mutual interests that can otherwise weird people out.  “You like Vulcans?  Weird.”  “You like wearing jockstraps under a suit?  Strange.”  “You like licking a Sir’s boots while he watches Babylon 5?”  Awesome.

Anyway, Jason & Matt are two of the first guys my age who I met at the Eagle and they have helped make the bar a really social place for me.  I originally went to the Eagle hunting for leather daddies.  Now I go to hang out with my friends…and still hunt leather daddies.  The boy in me is very happy to have other boys to hang out with…makes me want to strip to my underwear and run through the woods howling in a pack.  We get to explore things together…and share in our adventures.

And we also seem to share a common aesthetic when it comes to gear.  I swear we did NOT plan to dress the same on this night.  Neoprene shorts and harnesses are all the rage with the under 30 crowd.  Significant trend in the L.C.??

Once again it’s all about community.  The older men welcome and train, the young men bond and encourage each others’ growth.  This is why Thursday CODE night has become my most social night of the week…and why I think of the Eagle as my “Cheers”.

For me, my venture down the Leather rabbit hole really began over the summer…

I stand alone at the bar on the second floor of the Eagle in the dim reddish light looking at myself in the mirror behind the liquor bottles.  I tell the innocent face staring back at me, “look confident, look casual” but all I see is, “I’m nervous and uncertain.”  There’s that unique bar smell of alcohol, maybe some cleaning product, and faint BO drifting to my nostrils (a scent that’s become familiar and comforting).  My shirt is off and I admire my pecs…still boyish, but muscled…and I tap the floor with my boot while nervously fingering the leather collar around my neck…it’s Thursday night, my first CODE night.

The night is early and there are only a few men around…all of them standing in the shadows against the walls.  Hairy man porn plays on the TV screen and dance beats come from the DJ booth.  The stage is set…this is what I’ve been wanting to do…I’m at the Eagle on leather night.  Now what?

At the far end of the bar stand 2 handsome guys in full gear talking to the bartender.  With their facial hair and gear they look like quintessential Leathermen to me.  They also look friendly and as I’m checking them out they turn to me and give me a little smile.  I don’t know it yet, but my life is about to take a wonderful turn for the leather.

The men share a few words with each other (no doubt saying something like, “let’s go check on the new kid”) and then head down the bar towards me.  As soon as they say hello I feel all my nervousness melt away and be replaced by the excitement that’s been driving me to be here at the Eagle.  The men are Rick and Peter, Mr. Eagle 2007 and 2008, couple extraordinary and regulars of the bar.  I immediately like them…and for perhaps the first time I feel warmly welcomed at this big dark leather bar.

We chat for a while and words like “IML”, “St. Andrew’s cross”, and “dungeon” come up (!!!).  They talk about their fundraising experiences as Mr. Eagle, their network of buddies in the community, and the various protocol associated with Leather.  A whole world starts to open up to me and I love it….amazed at its depth and flavor.

Flash forward to a week later when I’m at their apartment looking at all their gear and getting ready to go to the Eagle.  Peter and Rick invited me over to check out their gear/get dressed up for CODE and educate me some in the ways of kink (totally theoretical…they are very polite gentlemen).  They show me harnesses and cuffs, jackets and pants, cockrings and singlets…I learn about weights and hoods and piercings.  I finally choose a few pieces, put them on, and then head out the door.

We walk out of their building and into the summer night…three leathermen together.  People shout and hollar…my face exploding with excitement…so thrilled to be with them, so thrilled to be in gear and participating in a whole new subculture.

From that night on, I’ve been at the Eagle’s CODE Thursday every week I possibly can.  Rick and Peter have been my leather foster dads…teaching me, encouraging me, and inspiring me.  They introduced me to a brotherhood where a man can find enjoyment and support.  I’ve learned a lot since that night I was standing alone at the bar looking at myself in the mirror…and there’s truly a lot more to learn.

Becoming Mr. Eagle 2012 is my goal because the L.C. is such an awesome group and I would be honored and overjoyed to represent them.  I also think a young Mr. Eagle would be an interesting and positive thing for the L.C. in the 21st century.  I’m still shaping my vision…but have a great starting point.  Onward we go.

Mr Eagle: Rick '07 & Peter '08

Two Pups

I always think it’s a good idea for the author of a blog to share a bit about himself so readers have a general sense of who’s behind the text.  A big component of this blog is self-exploration and discovery, so it’s also interesting to see how my description of myself may change over the course of the year.

I’m a 28 year old male easily identifiable as the boy next door type.  I’m intelligent and energetic and naturally sweet and sexy.  I laugh loudly and kiss often and thrive on exploration of the world and the people around me.

I don’t smoke (not even cigars on Thursdays) and I only drink a little sometimes.  I’m very dedicated to my health and like to feel and look good.  I will sometimes choose to go home early to get more sleep rather than staying out later sniffing around the Eagle.  My hanky color is dark green, right side.  I don’t wear deodorant anymore and I am proud of my body hair.  I love to run.  I’ve been known to steal other men’s underwear before.  I’m a great listener.

I love sushi and lived in Japan for more than 3 years after college.  I can hold my breath for about 2 minutes and think whales are the coolest animals on earth.  I love reading classic scifi novels and would join Starfleet Academy in a heartbeat.  I once spent a week hitchhiking and had the most amazing experience of my life (view it here)

I love the openness and support I’ve found in the leather community.  I go to the Eagle every Thursday night.  I always take off my shirt…even when it’s cold outside (good reason to get close to others).

And that’s a little about me.

I want to be Mr. Eagle NYC 2012.  I have one year to prepare and train for this goal and I plan to document the process here on my blog.  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Eagle, allow me to explain…

The Eagle is NYC’s last remaining leather bar and is the gathering place for all leathermen and boys in the city.  It’s a wonderfully dark and friendly place with lots of history and character and it’s also my favorite bar in all of New York.  My initial interests in the bar were about seeking new adventures, but what I’ve found is a supportive and warm community that represents and respects the traditions of the leather world.

Each year the Eagle holds a contest to select a Mr. Eagle who will be the face for the bar to the rest of the leather community and his year long reign usually includes charity work to help support some facet of the larger queer community.  Every Mr. Eagle is different and has his own unique style and goals.  I feel becoming Mr. Eagle is great honor and responsibility and I want to spend the next year learning more about the leather community/the NYC leathermen so I can be a worthy holder of this most honored title.

I also want spend the next year getting more buff so I look hotter in gear.

My goal is set, my desire is strong.  Here we go.